A little humor....

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A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You
have been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to
do is ask."

"Well," the cat says, "I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on
hard wood floors."

"Say no more," says God, and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to
heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made the cat.

"All our life," the mice say, "we've had to run. We've been chased by cats,
dogs, women with brooms. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run
any more."

God says he can take care of it, and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a
beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

A week later, God checks in on the cat, who is asleep on his pillow. God
gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

"Never been happier," says the cat, stretching and yawning. "And those
meals on wheels you've been sending over are great!"


Last Rites

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."


Ten Dollahs

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!


Coffee In Bed

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "



A Quick Round

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"


The City Slicker

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"


Wedding Day
The happy couple had been planning their wedding for quite some time. When the day finally arrived, the church was full of friends and relatives.
The bride & groom were standing at the altar, waiting to be married. Suddenly, the bride looked down and saw a set of golf clubs lying on the steps beside her new husband to be.

"What on earth are those golf clubs doing here?" she whispered.

"Well," he said. "This won't take all afternoon, will it?"


Influencing The Jury

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."


Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.

Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "ol Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"


The Adoption

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."


Smelly Feet

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

"Father," he said,"I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.

"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her motherconsoled, "everone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed,and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.

Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks,"What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"


A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.





God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?" She said, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?" God snapped his fingers and it was done. She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?" And God created man.


Sleeping In The Barn

A man from India and a man from Israel were touring the U.S., escorted by an American lawyer. Late one evening they were a long way from any town, so they stopped at a farm house and asked if they could stay the night.

The farmer said yes, but he had beds for only 2 in the house. One would have to stay in the barn.

The man from India said he would sleep in the barn. Soon after he had retired, there was a knock at the door, and the Indian was there. "I'm sorry", he said, "but my religion will not allow me to be near a cow, and there is a cow in the barn".

The Israeli said, "I'll stay in the barn, and off he went".

Soon there was a knock at the door, and the Israeli stood there. "I'm sorry", he said, "but there is a pig in the barn and my religion won't allow me to be near a pig".

"Okay," said the lawyer, I'll sleep in the barn".

A little later, there was a noise at the door, and when the farmer opened it, there was the cow and the pig.


Doing The Dishes

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"


A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat.
He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again,the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to herheartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh,no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart.
Barney's on my underpants."




DAD CAN I BORROW THE CAR?
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even esus had long hair...."

To which his father replied..."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"


A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times.
Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. {Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.}
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10". {I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.}



Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets." "Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given
birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence I work for the Four Seasons Hotel." At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong. "What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up."



It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift.
She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is -- some flowers."
"That's right," the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said,
"I bet I can guess what it is -- a box of candy."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.
The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched
a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied again.
The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"


A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always was to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back,"I'm in the secret service."


In desperation, the mother of a four-year old girl said, "If you keep sucking your thumb, you'll eventually blow up like a balloon!"
The next day the mother and her daughter attended a small social gathering. Among those present was a woman who was obviously pregnant. The little girl spotted her and couldn't contain herself. She walked up to the expectant mother and said, "I know what you're been doing!"



This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died
in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly
due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"


A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name Marylou written on it, " she said, furiously.
"You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember just last week when I was at the races? That was the name of a horse I bet on."
The next morning his wife sneaked up and whacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained.
"Your horse called last night!!"


A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days".
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal". So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door.
The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there, it's a BMW."


A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you??" The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?" The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."


A woman was pregnant with twins
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.
When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.
When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.
He said, "The first one was a girl."
The mother: "What did you name her?!?"
Brother: "Denise!"
The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
Brother: "The second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him??"
Brother: "Denephew."


A man is driving home late one afternoon, well above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it, and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.
He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"


One fall day Ol' Joe was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men in single file.
Intrigued, Joe went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Joe. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Joe then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
"Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line," replied the man.

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday. A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is standing behind the counter and he asks, "Can I help you madam?" "Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers. The salesman replies, "I'm sorry madam but I am blind and can not see the rod you're referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it, since I can tell from the sound it makes." The lady picks up the rod and does what he says, dropping it on the counter. He belts out, "'That's a Zebco 2500, fibreglass, 6.5', medium action -$15." "Wow!" She finds another and does the same. "That's an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20." Very impressed, the lady decides to buy the second one. As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is. The salesman says, "That'll be $25." "TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!? YOU SAID $20!!" "That's right madam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."


Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
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